STILETTO – a high pointed HEEL on a woman’s shoe or a small dagger.

WHEELS – a medieval instrument of torture or a vehicle for personal mobility.

Parking will be …non-existent

You try getting into a wheelchair from a car on a busy London Road. Blue badge rules do not apply in all the London boroughs and watch out for the Green badge – local residents disabled parking only. We generally use NCPs now – expensive but no imminent death risk!

Wheelchair accessible often means via a ramp or lift or stairs(?)

All of which will require huge effort from you. The staff will not know what to do and will try and blame you for any problem they encounter. They will offer you money back if you cannot get in but this is little recompense for either the effort you have already made to get there or for missing the performance/event.

The wheelchair space will be in some ludicrous position, often requiring entry via the back passage(!) or side doors

You get to see some sights and, then, emerge into a space at the back, the front or the side, with a completely rubbish view.

There will be no accessible toilets

That’s it. End of story. Even if they say there are, they will be too small, have steps, be full of junk, have broken down.

Able-bodied people will trample over you to get in/out or to the lifts or drinks.

Patience, people! You could even try walking around – I’d love to.

This all sounds pretty grim, no? Sometimes it is. Thanks to the Staff Bitch at The Purcell room who loudly announced, ‘we always have trouble with the fat ones!’ No, Bitch, YOU always have trouble because you are too stupid to understand how the platform lift works. Shall I explain it to you, again?

Final Rule: Caveat Emptor

Always check out your needs yourself, do not rely on anyone else, including me. The good news is that some places are great - spread the news!

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